Irritating "Comedy" Man With the Monocle Will Prattle
On About Nothing Until You Are Forced To Plant A Chair Leg In
The TV: 2/1
Will Rain 3/1
Horse Will Be Severely Injured But It's Okay, At Least He'll Die
Having Given Us All A Bit Of Fun And, Hey!, We May Even Have Won
Some Money 4/1
Sequence of the Week:
maj - F maj - G maj (attrb. Geri Halliwell)
don't wear Laura Ashley!" - A Burley
a really nice T-shirt! I think everyone should get one!"
- K Tate
need a haircut again" - M Elton
fnuggle ikky wikky" - D Bowers
Do Fear The Reaper"
5 Unpleasant Ways To Die
Stressedly plowing your car into oncoming traffic
Jumping from a tenth storey window onto what you think is a rubberised
blanket held by firemen but is, in fact, a huge wire mesh held
by clowns on the way to the circus (after J Nash)
Being gored by a Were-bull
Dancing to Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" Until You
Die Of Exhaustion Or Quite Possibly Boredom
5 Witches In The Public Eye
The Grand High
Broadway Musical You Say"
5 Things To Say About The Pet Shop Boys
"My mum likes your second album"
"Doesn't the other one speak?"
"Which one's Chris?"
"Are the cowboy dancers there for any particular reason?"
"Can I have my money back?"
5 Ways To Tell You've Drunken Too Much
Lunchtime newsreader Anna Ford is a goddess
You are in love with the plantpot
This sofa has suddenly become a rocking chair
You were drinking Bailey's
You agreed to appear on Chris Evan's TFI Friday
Gnus in brief
Atomic Kitten Make CDs Using Only Trees
a remarkable unification of environmental concern and pop cheesiness,
top girl group Atomic Kitten have this week released a CD made
entirely of tree. Their follow-up to last year's self-titled debut
is the first CD to be manufactured using such a method. Dispersing
with the usual ingredients of modern CDs - plastic casing, lyric
sheet, tunes - the band have instead made a box of wood, and asked
fans to simply deposit £14 of hard cash into it. All money
raised will be used to plant trees in the so-called "Atomic
to stop giving out any medicine at all
medical body NICE (National Institute For Clinical Excellence)
has decided that, in fact, all drugs for any illness at all are
way too expensive, and the money saved would be much better spent
in making waiting lists shorter. This means that Mrs Miggins,
83, won't be cured of her curable cancer, and that John Stapleton,
21, won't receive help for his acutely painful MS condition. But
the public will forget about this in a few days. (Ooh, that was
quite biting, wasn't it? - Ed)
BBC's Anna Ford Fends Off Newsroom Intruders
hardwoman Anna Ford today made light of on-air intruders to her
lunchtime 1 O'Clock News, which went on air at 1 O'Clock. Ms Ford
dispatched the swarthy brutes by beating them around the head
with her enormous necklace, before kicking them in the eye with
an upturned stiletto heel. "It felt great", she was
reported to have said to our reporter, Doug McIntyre.
Obligatory Running Gag About George W. Bush
US last night declared war on Ringo Starr. Speaking at a global
summit for the soon-to-be-impeached, American President George
"Duh" Bush stated, "We've fugging had enough of
all these Tank Engines, or whatever you call them, fugging puffing
around the island of Sobibor. It's our cultural heritage, I tell
you. There's more of us in America, so we need more literary and
cultural icons. After all, what are they? They're not American.
They can't be. They're trains, and that's not people, therefore
they don't deserve any ex-drummers with the Beatles at all, not
even that fifth member whose name everyone forgets. Fug off."
International leaders everywhere are described as "coming
from a range of backgrounds, often with the best interests of
their country at heart, and Tony Blair". Only joking, Tone.
Yellow Space Box
. . . .
. . . . . . .
And Pictures Was
a fantastic programme
and biscuits Mrs
Brown, Riverside Nursing Home
In The News
Good God, The Queen Mother Can Still Walk. Isn't That Amazing?
More People Die In Some Foreign Country Somewhere
Blair's Personal Hairdresser Goes Out Of Business
Hague Found In Alcoholic Heap On Floor
The Time It's Taken You To Read This They Have Already Played
"Sing" By Travis On The Radio Five Times
Daniels Breaks Neck By Falling Off Swing
Times Is Britain's Premier Listings Magazine
Mandela: Freedom Fighter Or Terrorist?
Music, Rock and Roll, Is A Satanic Music
REM's "Reveal" For Only £12
To Put Arms Back In Cupboard
Makes Living Presenting Channel 4 Clips Programmes
Williams Saved My Life - Girl
Bond Revealed To Not Actually Be Member Of Royal Family
Of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing
Cloning Could Go Ahead As Early As Next Thursday
Reindeers To Show Your Manliness
Brother 2 Special
Helen and Paul may have kissed! More than once!
SPECIAL: That Charming Helen Gets Naked On Page 14
Clarke's Top Hair Tips
Demands Better "Aftercare"
by Greta Garbo
It's raining, isn't it? Welcome to August. Yep, you've had your
summer - all two delightful weeks of it - and we're now back to
that rubbish in-betweeny perma-season which consists of it being
entirely the wrong temperature to wear any type of clothing comfortably,
being either too hot or too cold or, more often, too wet. Have
fun. Don't bother calling back, will you?
Beusch, 19. Happy Birthday.
Martinez, 20. Happy Birthday.
Mitchell, 21. Happy Birthday.
Peters. 21. Happy Birthday.
Christ. 2002. Happy Birthday.
Thora Hird. 9482. Happy Birthday.
Will Be The Last Gnus Page.
I'm not sorry.