Hot Racing Tips:

That Irritating "Comedy" Man With the Monocle Will Prattle On About Nothing Until You Are Forced To Plant A Chair Leg In The TV: 2/1

It Will Rain 3/1

A Horse Will Be Severely Injured But It's Okay, At Least He'll Die Having Given Us All A Bit Of Fun And, Hey!, We May Even Have Won Some Money 4/1

C maj - F maj - G maj (attrb. Geri Halliwell)

"I don't wear Laura Ashley!" - A Burley

"That's a really nice T-shirt! I think everyone should get one!" - K Tate

"I need a haircut again" - M Elton

"Fnuggle fnuggle ikky wikky" - D Bowers

Top 5 Unpleasant Ways To Die

5. Stressedly plowing your car into oncoming traffic

4. Jumping from a tenth storey window onto what you think is a rubberised blanket held by firemen but is, in fact, a huge wire mesh held by clowns on the way to the circus (after J Nash)

3. Being gored by a Were-bull

2. Dancing to Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" Until You Die Of Exhaustion Or Quite Possibly Boredom

1. Burst Spleen

Top 5 Witches In The Public Eye

1. Sabrina

2. Willow

3. Anne Robinson

4. The Worst

5. The Grand High

Top 5 Things To Say About The Pet Shop Boys

1. "My mum likes your second album"

2. "Doesn't the other one speak?"

3. "Which one's Chris?"

4. "Are the cowboy dancers there for any particular reason?"

5. "Can I have my money back?"

Top 5 Ways To Tell You've Drunken Too Much

5. Lunchtime newsreader Anna Ford is a goddess

4. You are in love with the plantpot

3. This sofa has suddenly become a rocking chair

2. You were drinking Bailey's

1. You agreed to appear on Chris Evan's TFI Friday

In a remarkable unification of environmental concern and pop cheesiness, top girl group Atomic Kitten have this week released a CD made entirely of tree. Their follow-up to last year's self-titled debut is the first CD to be manufactured using such a method. Dispersing with the usual ingredients of modern CDs - plastic casing, lyric sheet, tunes - the band have instead made a box of wood, and asked fans to simply deposit £14 of hard cash into it. All money raised will be used to plant trees in the so-called "Atomic Kitten Forest".

• NICE to stop giving out any medicine at all

Government medical body NICE (National Institute For Clinical Excellence) has decided that, in fact, all drugs for any illness at all are way too expensive, and the money saved would be much better spent in making waiting lists shorter. This means that Mrs Miggins, 83, won't be cured of her curable cancer, and that John Stapleton, 21, won't receive help for his acutely painful MS condition. But the public will forget about this in a few days. (Ooh, that was quite biting, wasn't it? - Ed)

• BBC's Anna Ford Fends Off Newsroom Intruders

BBC hardwoman Anna Ford today made light of on-air intruders to her lunchtime 1 O'Clock News, which went on air at 1 O'Clock. Ms Ford dispatched the swarthy brutes by beating them around the head with her enormous necklace, before kicking them in the eye with an upturned stiletto heel. "It felt great", she was reported to have said to our reporter, Doug McIntyre.

• Bullet Point

• Obligatory Running Gag About George W. Bush

The US last night declared war on Ringo Starr. Speaking at a global summit for the soon-to-be-impeached, American President George "Duh" Bush stated, "We've fugging had enough of all these Tank Engines, or whatever you call them, fugging puffing around the island of Sobibor. It's our cultural heritage, I tell you. There's more of us in America, so we need more literary and cultural icons. After all, what are they? They're not American. They can't be. They're trains, and that's not people, therefore they don't deserve any ex-drummers with the Beatles at all, not even that fifth member whose name everyone forgets. Fug off." International leaders everywhere are described as "coming from a range of backgrounds, often with the best interests of their country at heart, and Tony Blair". Only joking, Tone. Eeeeep.

Dot To Dot

. . . .

. . . . . . .

Words Duke Ellington

Pictures Microsoft Corp.

Words And Pictures Was a fantastic programme

Tea and biscuits Mrs Brown, Riverside Nursing Home

Painter Susan Sarandon

Turner Prize Seamus Heaney

Rollmop Herrings Paul McGann

Good God, The Queen Mother Can Still Walk. Isn't That Amazing?

Some More People Die In Some Foreign Country Somewhere

Tony Blair's Personal Hairdresser Goes Out Of Business

William Hague Found In Alcoholic Heap On Floor

In The Time It's Taken You To Read This They Have Already Played "Sing" By Travis On The Radio Five Times

Paul Daniels Breaks Neck By Falling Off Swing

Larry Adler Dies

Radio Times Is Britain's Premier Listings Magazine

Nelson Mandela: Freedom Fighter Or Terrorist?

Your Music, Rock and Roll, Is A Satanic Music

Buy REM's "Reveal" For Only £12

IRA To Put Arms Back In Cupboard

Darius Makes Living Presenting Channel 4 Clips Programmes

Robbie Williams Saved My Life - Girl

Jenny Bond Revealed To Not Actually Be Member Of Royal Family

One Of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing

Human Cloning Could Go Ahead As Early As Next Thursday

Kill Reindeers To Show Your Manliness

EXCLUSIVE! Helen and Paul may have kissed! More than once!

PICTURE SPECIAL: That Charming Helen Gets Naked On Page 14

Paul Clarke's Top Hair Tips

Josh Demands Better "Aftercare"

Who's Brian again?

It's raining, isn't it? Welcome to August. Yep, you've had your summer - all two delightful weeks of it - and we're now back to that rubbish in-betweeny perma-season which consists of it being entirely the wrong temperature to wear any type of clothing comfortably, being either too hot or too cold or, more often, too wet. Have fun. Don't bother calling back, will you?

Danny Beusch, 19. Happy Birthday.

Tony Martinez, 20. Happy Birthday.

Dale Mitchell, 21. Happy Birthday.

Dom Peters. 21. Happy Birthday.

Jesus Christ. 2002. Happy Birthday.

Dame Thora Hird. 9482. Happy Birthday.

No, I'm not sorry.

This site is copyright ©. If you want to use something, please contact me. I'll probably say yes, but check anyway, because I like mail.